Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
