i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
