My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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