My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
