Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
