I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
