Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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