If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
