I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
