youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
