my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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