Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
How's work?
Spinning.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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