Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
