Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
