I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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