watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
