I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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