How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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