i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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