i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
