My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
