tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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