A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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