allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
