i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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