i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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