I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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