He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
