Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
