just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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