i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
