The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
