Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
