I bet he comes in French.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
