theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
