You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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