omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
