Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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