my phone needs a breathalizer
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
