i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
