I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
