Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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