Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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