The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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