At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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