at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
