First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
