My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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