I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Sorry about my life...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
