i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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