well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
