You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
