wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
